How to be your own Best Friend
A best friend is always on your side
A cheerleader and a supporter.
What better than to be your own best friend and support yourself with emotional resilience, courage and kindness? These are qualities you can nurture with mindfulness and self-compassion especially when life feels so stressful or out of balance.
There has been an increase in research into self-compassion over recent years. Kristin Neff is a pioneer into this research and an expert in the field of self-compassion. Her website has lots of useful videos you might like to explore.
How can you be your own best friend?
When you are facing a challenging situation or thinking difficult thoughts, your body responds in defence mode, so the fight-flight-freeze response is in full swing. 
Kristin Neff calls it an ‘unholy trinity of reactions’ which we enact. A combination where we:
- ‘Fight’ ourselves with self-criticism
- ‘Flee’ from ourselves with autopilot actions and isolate from others
- ‘Freeze’ by staying stuck within a negative spiral of rumination
Self-compassion deactivates this knee-jerk reaction. Whether it’s an outer experience or inner turmoil that you are experiencing, be your own best friend with these 3 self-compassionate steps to guide you.
Step 1:
Acknowledge to yourself: ‘This is tough right now’ or ‘This hurts’, or a suitable phrase that acknowledges how you feel.
This is different from what may be your usual reaction; to berate yourself or get hooked into old habits. Things don’t go to plan and you think, ‘What an idiot I am!’ or ‘How did I manage to make a mess of that?’
As we go down the route of self-judgment we return to the same old self-destructive stories about ourselves. And elicit the body’s defence response.
So be your own best friend and acknowledge what you’re experiencing, without the condemning judgment. 
Step 2:
Remember that this is life. In all its shade and colour. Mistakes, suffering and tough times are part of being human. You are not alone – everyone in the world experiences suffering.
Remind yourself:
Everyone feels this way sometimes.
I am not the first person in the world to have made this mistake.
I am not alone.
I am human and this is part of life.
When we are going through challenging times or have made a mistake, we often feel isolated. We shrink into our experience and become more alone. We might put on a brave face, but we are hiding.
You are not alone.
And a good way to help with the feelings of failure or gloom, is to imagine that you are treating yourself as you would a good friend who finds themselves in a similar state. With self-compassion and tenderness, you can be gentle and kind to yourself. 
Step 3:
Get a sense of your grounding. Mindfully observe how your body is feeling and where your emotions are happening.
Connect with your heart space as this provides a pathway down from the ruminating mind. Breathe deeply into yourself so that you feel present and grounded.
Place a hand gently at your heart space as a gesture of self-compassion.
Ask yourself:
Do I need to keep repeating these experiences/thoughts?
Do they help me lead the life I want and the person I wish to be?
Are they old stories I no longer need to hold on to?
Ask yourself such questions with great love and tenderness.
Be with what comes up. Be curious.
Remember:
I am here for me.
I am being my own best friend.
All is well.
I love and support myself.
I am my own best friend
Now you can move on, strengthened by your own loving and supportive self.
Your own best friend, experiencing self-compassion and inner strength.
You’ve got this now!
Yvette Jane – Mindfulness & Meditation Guide
